A Different Type of Outing

The goal: To create an art piece that I would send in to be displayed in a monument for survivors of childhood abuse http://www.irvingstudios.com/child_abuse_survivor_monument/GiveUsAHand.htm.

The block: To put my survivorness out in the world for many to see would mean EVERYONE would know I was a survivor and I could NEVER hide it again.

Before I created this piece of art and sent in in via snail mail, my world was slightly dull as if I were looking at the world through wax paper. I had flashes of joy and fun, however, I was always hiding who I was and what happened to me.

The art was a simple, a piece of paper with an outline of my hand, colored with markers, and populated with phrases and words that stated what I wanted and who I wanted to be. To this day, I cannot remember all the words I put on that paper (and I wish I had made a copy -- Lesson Learned!).

It took weeks to start the piece and it took weeks to finish it and it took weeks before I could take it to the post office. I sat in the car on a cloudy Saturday for at least 30 minutes with that 8 1/2 x 11 brown envelope with blue ink (yes, I stared at the envelope for a long time) addressed to Canada. I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I am a warrior, and walk up to the door.

My heart was pounding. Sweat beaded on my forehead. My hand shook as I grabbed the door. I walked in and immediately went to the P.O. boxes, pretending I was looking for the box that I didn't own.

I took a deep breath and started a mantra, I can do this .. I can do this .. I can do this. I marched right up to the counter and slapped that 8 1/2 x 11 brown envelope with blue ink addressed to Canada down and practically yelled, "I want to mail this to Canada!" To her credit, the clerk only blinked, but promptly helped me.

There were multiple times I wanted to snatch back that envelope and run out the door. To my credit, I did not. I conquered the fear. I broke the silence and "spoke" my truth.

I effusively thanked the clerk and bounced out the door. If I had been younger and thinner, I would have skipped.

After I let go of that envelope and hiding the secret, I walked outside and stopped in my tracks. What had happened? The sky was so blue. The clouds whiter than white. The wind became delicious against my skin. I was taller. I've never felt so in the world, so connected. I could see everything. Clearly. I was out in the world.

I like this.

RemebeRED -- The first time I created a survivor piece of art and mailed it for display, I became a part of the world.
http://thereddressclub.blogspot.com/2011/06/remembered-fill-in-blanks.html